Confession, Sep 27, 2009

Dear Diary,

I have a confession to make. When my baby was here because we were having problems in our relationship, I kind of wanted to get her pregnant, so that we could put everything aside and move ahead with our relationship. I know that was really stupid of me. When she took that pregnancy test and she tested negative, I was sort of disappointed. I wanted her to get pregnant and at the same time I didn't want her to. There was even a point when I felt like just ejaculating inside her without letting her know. Well I didn't do it tho.

It looks like things are just getting worse between me and my baby. I don't know what to do to make it better. I heard her talk on the phone with her dad about going to Nepal during Tihar. I am not sure if she's going too. She doesn't want to talk to me right now. She wants me to leave her alone. That's what I will try to do, if that's the only way I can do anything about this sitution right now.

I want to wait for her. I hope he waits for me too. I just hope we can some day put our past behind and move forward with our relationship. I can't see myself with anyone beside her. She was always the one who talked about getting married and having babies. I always said I wasn't ready. But deep in my heart, I knew she was the one for me. I knew I wanted to marry her and have babies with her(3 of them) at some point. That day was coming pretty close too.

I went to the Buddhist temple and the hindu temple today. It felt good after that especially in the buddhist temple. Very peaceful.

God please show me the way. Tell me what to do. please.......

Good night

The start, september 26, 2009

Dear Diary,

Nothing out of the ordinary happened today, except for this void that I feel constantly. I want to get rid of this void but at the same time I don't want to. This void is the only thing I have left of my baby now. If I let this void go, I have let my baby go too.

I want this pain to stay with me forever, so I will always remember my baby. But this pain is killing me dear diary. I want this pain to end. I want to talk to my baby. I want to be beside her. But she says she doesn't want to talk to me. I should respect her decision.

This is what she said to me "Baby I can't sleep. I just need to sasy that frm today I cannot talk to you anymore. I know you understand why. It will be difficult for both of us but it is the only way. I promise not to call. Take care baby. I need to do this by myself. Pls don't do anything studpid." ( sent to me on 09/25/2009 @ 1:02 am)

I don't know what she means by dont' do anything stupid. I dont' know what to do. Someone please show me the way. God show me the way. Give me the strength to go through this.

I went for a movie with my sister chungda today after work. We watched "Love happens". I probably cried about 4 times during the movie. Everything seems to remind me of her. Everything in the movie reminded me of her. The damn movie theater reminded me of her. People in the theater reminded me of her. The concession stand reminded me of her. It reminded me of the popcorn, candy and drink deal.

Guys called me today to hang out tonight but I said no. It's one of the guy's birthday today. I should have gone but I just dont' feel up for it. Especially I don't want to see bhai coz he's going to be there too.

I think about my baby every day. I also think about bhai everyday. It's weird how things turn out.

Good night.