Confession, Sep 27, 2009

Dear Diary,

I have a confession to make. When my baby was here because we were having problems in our relationship, I kind of wanted to get her pregnant, so that we could put everything aside and move ahead with our relationship. I know that was really stupid of me. When she took that pregnancy test and she tested negative, I was sort of disappointed. I wanted her to get pregnant and at the same time I didn't want her to. There was even a point when I felt like just ejaculating inside her without letting her know. Well I didn't do it tho.

It looks like things are just getting worse between me and my baby. I don't know what to do to make it better. I heard her talk on the phone with her dad about going to Nepal during Tihar. I am not sure if she's going too. She doesn't want to talk to me right now. She wants me to leave her alone. That's what I will try to do, if that's the only way I can do anything about this sitution right now.

I want to wait for her. I hope he waits for me too. I just hope we can some day put our past behind and move forward with our relationship. I can't see myself with anyone beside her. She was always the one who talked about getting married and having babies. I always said I wasn't ready. But deep in my heart, I knew she was the one for me. I knew I wanted to marry her and have babies with her(3 of them) at some point. That day was coming pretty close too.

I went to the Buddhist temple and the hindu temple today. It felt good after that especially in the buddhist temple. Very peaceful.

God please show me the way. Tell me what to do. please.......

Good night