Oct 1,2009 Bullshit

Dear diary,

I found out that my baby has been forwarding email I send her to other people, the intimate thoughts and my personal feelings. She has been very abusive towards me lately. I guess I deserve it. But that's how she has always been. I accept I am not perfect. Matter of fact, I am close to the opposite of perfect. But why doesn't she understand that may be, just may be she also has a little hand in whatever happened between us.

She sent me the picture of Joanne....I wonder how she got it. It just scares me. I have always told her this tho. Even though I can physically beat her up very easily, deep inside I kind of fear her. I always have.

I don't know if I should ever try to contact her again. I should probably stop sending my diary to her too. If it's meant to be then we will meet someday. I am gonna change myself. that's for sure. If anyone sees the way I have always been and then sees me in three years, they will see the difference. Bu I hope she changes for good too. Even if we don't end up together. I want her to be a better person. I have realized love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. You need understanding and caring as well.

I am seriously thinking about ending all forms of contact between us. She has already ended it. I think I should as well. that's what everyone is saying. Maybe I should listen to them too just like my baby is listening to all those other people that she has been talking to. I guess as a third person, they see things more clearly than I do. They say you will realize one day that everything happens for a reason and everything that happened me and my baby was for a good reason. Maybe theyr right. I hope not though. I hope one day we will both grow up as a persnon and get together again. Then we will appreciate each other more and not take each other for granted. If it doesn't end the way I want it to, I still want her to be happy. I just hope like always said that I wish her all the happiness in the world but without a man in her life. I hope that she is completely content with her life without a man. I know it's selfish.

I will try to respect what she's been saying to me all these days and stop emailing her or calling her. I will still continue writing my diary though.

Good night