Fastforwarded movie.

Sometimes things happen in your life and your whole past flashes right in front of your eyes. It's like someone fast forwarded the movie about your life.

Follow your advice

Hey,

Thank you for your concern. I really appreciate it. You don't know how much a word of kindness or even just a word means when you're going through tough times. It's a matter of time. Time heals everything. That's what they say and I will be back. I want to be back to my normal self again. But sometimes you wonder, can you ever be the same after you've been through what you just went through.

I guess everything happens for a reason. I hope it's true.

Well thanks again.

****




Hi Raju,

I hope you get yourself up soon. You've been really looking bad and
way too quiet and serious. It's a unexpected and a real mystery. It's
like its always morning for you now. Hahaha! :) Anyways, I guess we
all go through a phase in our lives where we find ourselves down and
in grave need to be alone but don't stay in that phase for too long,
ok? :)

Follow your own advice, take it easy. :)

Take care. God bless.

Br****

Friday, Oct 2, 2009

Dear Diary, I called my baby and she answered the phone. But she didn't wanna talk. So all we did was, I asked yes or no questions and she would click her tongue twice for no and once for yes.

I think she's going to Nepal on the 8th of october for three weeks. The phone got disconnected and when I called her back she didnt' answer the phone.

I am glad she atleast answered the phone once and just clicked her tongue. That's a whole lot more than no answer at all.

Guys called me today to go out with them but I declined just like last week. They were saying I should just step out and have fun if I want to move on. I shouldn't lock myself in the house like this. I guess they make sense and I am really appreciative of what they're trying to do for me. But right now I am just not ready to go out yet.

Doing masters take two years and doing law takes three years. So I have been wondering what to do. Should I join law school? I have been checking out some law schools. I'm just not sure what to do. Law schools are very expensive and hard to get into. But then the masters program I want to get into is very competitive too.

I think I love singing. Singing kind of heals me. It keeps my mind sort of away from my thoughts. I wish I could sing well. oh well....My baby kind of liked it when I sang "with you" by chris brown. She never said it to me but I remember when we were walking on the street one day and I was singing this song. She told me that I am a good singer. Thank thank you :-) I miss those days.

I hope they come back.

Oct 1,2009 Bullshit

Dear diary,

I found out that my baby has been forwarding email I send her to other people, the intimate thoughts and my personal feelings. She has been very abusive towards me lately. I guess I deserve it. But that's how she has always been. I accept I am not perfect. Matter of fact, I am close to the opposite of perfect. But why doesn't she understand that may be, just may be she also has a little hand in whatever happened between us.

She sent me the picture of Joanne....I wonder how she got it. It just scares me. I have always told her this tho. Even though I can physically beat her up very easily, deep inside I kind of fear her. I always have.

I don't know if I should ever try to contact her again. I should probably stop sending my diary to her too. If it's meant to be then we will meet someday. I am gonna change myself. that's for sure. If anyone sees the way I have always been and then sees me in three years, they will see the difference. Bu I hope she changes for good too. Even if we don't end up together. I want her to be a better person. I have realized love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. You need understanding and caring as well.

I am seriously thinking about ending all forms of contact between us. She has already ended it. I think I should as well. that's what everyone is saying. Maybe I should listen to them too just like my baby is listening to all those other people that she has been talking to. I guess as a third person, they see things more clearly than I do. They say you will realize one day that everything happens for a reason and everything that happened me and my baby was for a good reason. Maybe theyr right. I hope not though. I hope one day we will both grow up as a persnon and get together again. Then we will appreciate each other more and not take each other for granted. If it doesn't end the way I want it to, I still want her to be happy. I just hope like always said that I wish her all the happiness in the world but without a man in her life. I hope that she is completely content with her life without a man. I know it's selfish.

I will try to respect what she's been saying to me all these days and stop emailing her or calling her. I will still continue writing my diary though.

Good night

Sep 30, 2009. Glad we happened.

"I am glad we happened regardless of everything."

Dear diary,

I hope baby will forgive me one day. Bj called me to play basketball today. I told him I didn't wanna play. He kept on insisting. I guess he wants to help me get through this phase. He says I should do what I always used to do, play basketball, go to the gym and other stuff. I guess in a way he is right.

I told him I don even have shoes to play basketball wit and he goes he will buy me a sneaker right now. I couldn't say no. So I went. I didn't wanna see bhai tho. He didn't show up. I guess he found out that I was there n decided not to come.

Bj told me that baby told bhai that her parents would have never accepted me in the end any way and that she didn't see a point in us being together because of that.

I wanna stay at work the whole day. I don't wanna come home. Every day when its time to go home, I get really scared. That's when everything comes down crashing on me. I just wish that I would never get off work. Weekends are even worse. I can't stop thinking about her.

Everyone says that I should move on now. But they don't know what we had. They don't know what we've been through. They don't know the kind of connection we had. They don't know us. If they could only get a glimpse of what we shared they would not say "move on".

God........ show me the way. Just tell me what to do..... tell me everything will be fine one day. Fine=baby+baby.

Goodnight
Baby

Still living in the past. Sep 29, 2009

"I can't escape the thought of you. Even in my dreams you are there. It's not fair how your gone, and how you're moving on so fast, while I am still living in the past"

Dear diary,

Went to replace my id. My baby is just not answering my phone. Mariah Carey was at Macy's today selling her line of perfume for $250. You could get her autograph. I called my baby asking her if she wanted her autograph. Left her a voicemail and a text message. She didn't respond. I did see her tho. She was probably like 20 feet from where I was standing. She looked okay.
I am planning to go to Princeton, NJ on saturday with chungda, muna and aroz. They have built a huge statue of Buddha.

What should I do with this void inside me? I want to this void to remain there but filled.
Good night.
Baby

Died of a broken heart. Sep 28, 2009

Dear diary,

"If I should die tonight and the reason remains unknown, tell not the whole world, but the one I love that I died of a broken heart, not because she loved me too little but because I loved her too much."

I don't know what to do anymore. She is just not aswering my call or my texts. She keeps on saying just confess. What is it with her and the confession? Why does she keep on saying that? Is it because so she can move on or is it coz of some other reason that I am not aware of.

She has always been a very manipulative person. If she is angry, she will justify just about anything she does. She could be a very mean person when she's angry. But the sweetest person in the whole world when she's happy. Regardless of all her flaws, I still love her.

Today is sujata's birthday.

When I was going to work in the morning, I didnt' have any clothes left coz my baby cut them all up with a scissor. So I had to wear this shirt that I had not worn for a long time coz it was too tight for me. But when I wore it today, it fit me perfectly. Guess I lost a lot of weight. I want to get back to my normal self. Matter of fact I want to be my norml self and more.

I hope my baby will forgive me one day and we will live happily ever after.

Good night
Baby